I guess I have been very quiet lately. Well, the last weekend, I was at galacon and I was having a wonderful time. Met many people I have only known via the internet, and had a blast. And well, now I'm back at home and post-con depression is hitting hard. Real hard. I've been spending most of the day in bed, doing nothing, hugging plushies, reminiscing about the good times I had, and being sad about the next galacon being so far in the future. Oh well.
I think this is as good as any time to ... clarify a few things. I've been very quiet about pretty much everything, and I think it might be a good idea to just be honest about what is going on and see what's gonna happen. If you don't want to read a ranty, emotional post then stop reading here. Don't worry, you won't miss anything. I'll still love you.
First off, I'm gonna be completely honest about why I stopped writing journals. It's pathetic, but I'm pathetic, so if I wanna be open and genuine, then I gotta tell you this. I was told that writing highly emotional journals, especially if they're depressing like this one, turns people off, and might make them unwatch you. I was very scared of that, and since a lot of my journals probably would've been pretty depressing, I just stopped writing them in general. But here I am, writing one anyway, ready to face the consequences. (Or not. *squeaks*)
As you maybe remember, a while ago (actually, about half a year ago now), I left deviantart; more or less. I wrote a short journal explaining that I need time away from DeviantArt, to make art that's truly my own, instead of catering to an audience. And that actually was the plan. Well, what actually happened is that I stopped drawing in general. My only reason to make pictures was to please other people, in hopes of (yes I'm still pathetic) them getting popular. Not only did almost none of my drawings manage to do that in the first place, I didn't have that as a possible goal anymore when I stopped posting to deviantart. So soon, I stopped drawing in general.
But I can't quit drawing. I've tried so many times, but quitting just... doesn't work. When I draw, I feel terrible for making bad art. When I don't draw, I feel terrible for not making art. In either case, I get jealous at people who do better than I. Especially when those have only drawn for a year or two, where I've been drawing for around 8 years and I still feel like an incompetent idiot compared to them. So I go from not drawing to not drawing because I feel terrible because I'm not doing anything, to quitting drawing again because I am frustrated and sad about how everyone seems to be learning so much faster than I am, in sort of a twisted merrygoround.
I have not yet figured out how I will deal with this. I guess my first step is being upfront with you guys. I like being honest with everyone and anyone who has met me in person can attest to that. So heavily censoring myself in my journals was bound to make me unhappy. The same thing is more or less happening in my art. I'm not really making the art I want to make anymore; instead, I make the art that I believe is most likely to resonate with people, especially the people that already follow me. I believe that for a lot of reasons, including my happiness and the quality of my art, I need to start trying to make the art I want to make instead of the art that I believe "sells". However, I have no idea how to do that yet.
I guess that's all that I have to say for now. Sorry if this journal bothered you. I guess I needed to get this off my chest.